Jessie Leek’s blog

After reading a friend's blog on this same subject, I decided I really should do it as well. I go through my busy life not thanking the people who help me do what I do all the time- Not thanking the people who make my life easier and more enjoyable. I don't thank the people who deserve my gratitude and the ones who I love. I hope you all know how much I care about you and thank each and every one of you for the things we've done together, the time we've spent together, or for the gifts you've given me... but I'd like to name a few people who I really really owe my thanks to.

First of all, I would like to thank my mom. Without you, there is no way I would be actually striving to achieve my outlandish goals. You are always there to talk me through hard times. You encourage me in everything I do. You are my backbone and my best friend. I love you more than you know, and even though I may be busy, know that I love you and thank you so much for everything.

To Gammy: You always bring me up when I'm feeling down- you always believe in me, and that helps me believe in myself. You'd do anything to help me and I want you to know that that is one of the most important things in my life- knowing you'll always be there when I need you. You helped me learn a lot about becoming a woman, and for that I will always admire you. Thank you for your help, your love and encouragement.

To my best buddy Brian Tofte-Schumacher: I'm sad that I haven't known you my entire life. If I were ever to have a brother, you would have been him. I love you for your kindness, honesty and support. Most of all I love how you approach life. I wish I could think deeply like you- you are more deeply intelligent than anyone I know. I really love you.

To my sisters for other mothers, Alicia Wheeler and Christie Rhom: You two have also taught me how to be a girl. I fought with you both, was jealous of both of you, and I love you both more than you probably know. You have always been my competition, but in the long run, I hope you both know that we can always come to each other for help and advice. I get some of the best advice and influence from the two of you. Thank you.

To my musical influences: Matt Thistle, Neil Proff, Todd Delgiudice, David Fague, Brian Lassiter, Jeremy Hamilton, Ben Knox, Greg Belisle-Chi, Thomas Holman, Alex Potts, Brian Ploeger, Danny McCollim, Rob Tapper, Kyle Smith (and more, and you know who you are)- You guys have what I want, and I thank you for all of your hard work and achievement. I've learned more about myself through music and your inspirational qualities than through anything else. You are the training wheels I've been wearing, and I owe everything I've accomplished musically to you. Thank you.

To Jeremy Hamilton and Samantha Allie: You tell me what I need to hear... not what I want to hear. Thank you.

To Brandon Tibbetts: You might not know it, but you made a huge impression on the kind of person I am today, and for that I thank you. You are a great person, and I hope someday we can be friends because I think we really do need each other's friendship. Thank you for helping me mature.

To Brian Lassiter You taught me that I need to grow a pair and just do what needs to be done. You are a great friend and a genius. I really miss having you around, and I don't think I've ever told you how much you mean to me. I'm thankful for the time we had together as teacher and student and as friends. You opened up a lot of closed doors for me, and at this point in my career, I really believe you deserve a huge thank you. I admire you and your talents and humor more than you know. Thank you for everything.

To Taylor Belote and his family: Taylor, you have really always been my friend and you taught me how to deeply care about someone. The Belotes have been like my family forever, and I really miss you guys this year. Taylor- you are going to be a wonderful father, husband and teacher- you are truly an amazing person with some amazing goals. Keep it up- you are one of my idols and I respect you deeper than a lot of people. Thank you.

To Melissa Logan and Hannah Lainhart: you guys are some of my new friends, but I can tell that our friendship will run deep soon. You guys have taught me that not all girls are bitches, but some of them actually have their heads on straighter than I do. Thank you for being there for me, and thank you for teaching me to not be afraid to speak my mind- and letting me know it's OK to just be myself. You ladies are amazingly mature and awesome. I love you both.

To my friends: Ryan Foster, DJ Gaines, Cody Hewson, Andrew Townsend, Matthew Rivera, Sam Hylton, Jake Longworth, Trevvor Toczek, Dorian Vaughn, Keith Weatherwax, Chantilly Higbee (and more!): You folks have experienced my absences from your presence throughout the last few years, yet you still are my friend. I'm sorry I haven't always been there for you, but I thank you tremendously for being there for me. Friends are important, and without you guys, my life would be much less joyous. Thank you.

Last of all, to Kyle Smith: I never expected to be your friend, let alone start to get to know you like this. It's amazing how when you need someone the most, sometimes a great person comes your way. You have really helped me get to know myself again, and I owe you for that. I can't remember when I have ever smiled this much. Thank you for being you, and letting me be me.

There are many more people who mean so much to me, many more than I could possibly write about in a silly blog, but you folks know who you are- I just want you to know how much I owe to you. People help people, and I know it's taken me a long time to realize this, but I need to thank you more often. I encourage you all to recognize the people you thank, but who you've never told. Whether it's in a silly blog, or in person, letter, e-mail or telepathic message, let them know you love them and thank them for being who they are.

    During my four years in high school- including my two years in Jr. college as well- I had a tremendous ego. Ever since I met a certain someone- yes, my boyfriend, but also my best friend- I have really become better at taming my ego. Mostly because he makes me feel horrible when he mentions how conceded or demeaning I can be. Those aren't honestly the nicest words to be passed between lovers, but, well, they are still passed. Like I said, over the majority of the last year, my ego has been severely diminished.
    However, for the last couple of months, I do believe that my ego might have been too diminished for my liking- and even for the liking of the one who made me that way. I really dislike a lot of things about myself that I really shouldn't be so hard on myself about. I dislike how I'm not the most girly girl on campus. Why? I don't really care that much- but my boyfriend said once how much he'd like it if I was more girly. So there I am- hating myself because it is simply not in my nature to wear 2 lbs. of make-up or create a cloud of perfume around me everyday. This isn't good for me-- I dislike how emotional I can be. Why? Because Austin told me to work on controlling my emotions because they frustrate him. True, I should be able to control my tears, but when he's the one hurting my feelings, I should not be told to keep the tears hidden. For a few months now, I've been inflating myself with held back emotions, fears, humility, and low self-esteem. A year ago, I had the biggest self-esteem ever.
    Sometimes I want to blame him for it. He's the reason I'm hating myself- thinking unkind thoughts about myself- even wondering why kids cut themselves and if it would really help ease my pain.... But really- it's me who's implying the self-pity and sadness upon myself. I don't have to fulfill his every desire. Before him, most people liked me for who I was. I liked me. I had more friends. I made more friends. I sure talked a lot more. Now I really don't feel like any sort of the person I was a year ago. I'm a completely different person, and I don't really like this new me. Should I turn to the knife and see myself bleed to help ease my pain? NO. Should I break up with the person who has influenced me to change myself? The one who I look forward to laughing with and hugging? I don't think so. Should I lift my tear-sodden chin up in the air and face the world with a new air- a combination of my egotistical persona from a year ago and my new modest self? Yes. Yes, I should. Not only should I lift myself up from this really pathetic state I'm in, but I should also not be afraid to stand up for myself and voice my opinions and values. If he is really shallow enough to tell me he loves me, then leave me because I stood up to him- then I guess this time I've spent with him really has been a waste. I know he's a better person that that, and I know I'm a better person than I'm acting like now.
    I know all of these words are just a jumbled mess- incomplete sentences and misused commas- but I think the more I type about myself and about how I know I'm better than this, the more I'm believing it. I have years and years ahead of me- Years that should not and WILL not be wasted on moping and moaning around.
    Tomorrow I vow will be a new day- a day where I value the opinions of others, so long as they don't entirely conflict with my own-- a day where I will hold my chin high and believe in myself, but not hurt others in the process-- a day where I will be who I am inside, and no one else.

.... is short.
My old friend Paul died on October 14. He lived in Canada, and I don't know what happened to him or how it happened... I didn't know him very well, but my heart is still broken.
Live everyday like it's your last... because it might be. RIP Paul Garberg.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.  ~Mark Twain

Here I am. Sitting at the computer, eating cheap pizza and drinking milk. Yes, milk. Here I am, watching a storm come in through the window on my left, and seeing beautiful skies out the window to my right. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, but listening to Hank Jones, and loving it. Here I am. Alone, yet again, and trying to heal myself enough to make some very important decisions.
I found out yesterday that my boyfriend doesn't like me- I mean, he likes me, but just not in that "romantic way" that he should. According to him, we're more like friends to him, and sometimes the romance can be weird to him. I really liked this one, but I guess there's really nothing I can do about it- and I need to stop crying about it, cause frankly I'm sick and tired of having wet cheeks and I'm exhausted from the effort that crying involves. I guess what happens is what happens, and when something is supposed to happen, it will.
I found out this morning that I need to move out of my apartment before July- at the latest. Our apartment complex decided to make everyone who doesn't want to renew their lease pay $120 more per month. Not only can we not afford that, but I need to move to Cheney anyway for school next year, and a 6 month or year lease would not be a good thing for that. I don't completely feel like I'm ready to live in Cheney, a new place- let alone all by myself- 30 min away from Mom. Not only do I feel like it's going to be crazy living all by myself, but I don't honestly think I can afford it. I make 8 bucks an hour- 20 hours a week. I won't be able to work as much next year, considering I'll have to drive 25 miles into Spokane to work- and the money I make working MIGHT pay for the gas I used to get to work... I don't know what I'm supposed to do- my mom said she'd help with the money and rent and stuff, but I'm just afraid of a crisis- afraid of being stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. I don't know.
Lately It's been very strange- right after that sad last paragraph, a song called Lament started on my shuffled playlist- Hank Jones- a sad saxophone ballad. Perfect. This morning, eyes puffy and sore from violent crying the night before I checked my "MSN homepage horoscope..."  It told me, "You may feel a little worn out right now, dear Libra, as if you haven't been getting enough vitamins or rest. Or you may feel that you are losing track of issues that are important to you, such as your children's progress in school. Whether you want to or not, you need to slow down a bit. Today, give top priority to all the commonplace details of daily life." Weird. It seems that that illegitimate horoscope has been tagging every aspect of my life correctly lately. Oh, and to add onto the weirdness, for about the last 3 weeks, without fail, I look at the clock at exactly 11:11 am or pm everyday. It freaks me out a little, but when I googled my "problem", some website assured me that that pull to look at the clock at that time is simply a message from Heaven.... ya ok. I think I'm just crazy.
As my room starts to grow dimmer with the evening, I've connected that the stormy weather to my left is similar to how I'm feeling about life right now. My now "ex" boyfriend left me- and I really don't know how I could have changed it. My life is going to be turned upside down in the next 2 months. My mom is gone from home again, which is nice, but sometimes, like tonight in particular, I don't really care for being alone. My life is gray, windy, and rainy. But when I look to my right, I see blue skies, puffy white clouds, sunshine.... eventually this storm is going to blow over Spokane, leaving me to the good old 80 degree sunshine-ridden summertime I like. I think that eventually, whether it's when Austin realizes how dumb he's being, or when I get over his nonsense, or when I finally get a place and love it, my skies will turn blue again.
Once again, as I end a slightly more uplifting paragraph, Hank Jones entertains me with an up tempo song called "Comin' Home Baby".... how.... ironic?
I think I need to do as the mysterious, no-name astrologist from MSN told me to do-
Slow down. Enhale every aspect of life as if it were my last breath.
It just seems like this metaphorical "air/life" that I have now is just a little stuffy right now. Damn it...

I know probably no one will read this, but I hope it will make me feel better to just get it out.
A few months ago, I started dating this guy- he wasn't sterotypically my type- we had really nothing in common at all, yet I still tried. I eventually realised that I just didn't like him all that much, and that I was sick of pretending to like him as much as he liked me. I ended that. Very terribly, I might add. So now, I'm hooked up with a guy who I denied terribly before my last relationship, and I denied him mostly because I was just getting into the first relationship. I realised that he is really an awesome person, smart, handsome, funny, and we have a lot in common. We're going steady, but everytime I find myself gazing into his eyes, completely absorbed into our moment, I get nothing in return. It seems like everytime I turn around, something is the matter with him- he's mad or upset about something, mostly pertaining to my behaviors. "you're not acting like my girlfriend". "I just am not feeling the spark I used to". Right after he told me about the "spark" issue, it seemed like things were looking up- I was feeling even more absorbed into our romance, and just the other night, we hung out, and just as he was leaving, he had that paralyzed look on his face again, signaling the return of some "problem". Of course, he didn't want to talk about it- leaving all kinds of senarios open to my imagination as to what happened/what the problem was. It could be the "spark" thing which doesn't make any sense to me, because before the other night, everything was great. It could be that he likes someone else. It could be that something happened with someone else. As he put it to me before he left, "it's not your fault". So, after crying violently from 1 am to 1:45 am, I finally fell asleep in exhaustion, still wondering what his issue is. I briefly talked to him yesterday, and today he won't answer my phone calls or damned text messages at all. For some reason, I think I'm getting a taste of my own medicine- he's acting just like I was when I ended my first relationship that happened this winter. I hate this. I hate that I like him so much, and that I've really applied myself to him, just to be always expecting to be dropped on my face- broken in a puddle of tears.
When I started the relationship with him, I was leery- careful not to get too involved. I've had my heart broken too many times to easily give it away again. I think I have given it away again, and I'm always expecting the worst to happen, and I have no idea why. You can't make friends or lovers by hiding your heart- by protecting yourself so much as to keep yourself from them... At a certain point, emotions make it so you can't hide yourself anymore...and I can't really seem to be myself when I'm always on the verge of bursting out in tears because I like him so much- and it seems like he could really care less. I heard this quote from a good friend of mine, and I think it's the only thing that makes sense right now, and that will help me get over this. "No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is- won't make you cry."

I really shouldn't be taking the time to write this, but I'm feeling it, so I might as well write it down, so I'm not so jumbled inside.
The more I get to know people from other high schools in Spokane, the more I'm learning that I really haven't learned much at all in the last 2 years. I am in Running Start, and I go to the community college for high school and college credit at the same time. It's a great deal, in that it saves me money when I transfer to a 4 year university, and that I have been able to take college level music classes and performance classes. Other than that, I've just been doing regular old homeworks, essays, and learning some things that inspire me, but not as many as I would have hoped. The more I talk to other people my age who have gone to more accredited high schools (mine is quite discriminated against for the poverty and drug rates, as well as not being a great/safe place to learn), the more I realize that I have simply skipped a big chunk of my education, and frankly, I've missed out on a lot. I'll be talking about school with Austin, and he's talking about something that happened in European history, and I have no idea what he's talking about. All the other high schoolers know. All the other high schoolers don't get out of European history by taking a political science class at the community college, which has absolutely nothing to do with European history. It's almost like I've eaten an oreo cookie, but I skipped the cream in the middle. Everyone else got the cream, but I got done eating the cookie before they did. I hope the decision to do college early hasn't screwed me over.
   On the bright side, I really really do not miss the petty high school drama, the hooligans in the hall ways, the 15-year-olds asking me for a lighter to light their cigarette on the street corner. I really don't miss being depressed at my generation for being so unmotivated and worthless. It has been nice to be involved at the college, where people are learning about who they are and who are CHOOSING to be at school. It's nice to be able to discuss the debate on the expansion of Globalization with people who actually know/care about what I'm saying. I'm glad I've been exposed to college so that I'll be ready for the real thing next year- my study habits are slightly matured, and I think my independence has increased so that I might be ready to move 1000 miles away to go to college and study what I love.
     Back to the dark side however,
Yes, as those of you who know me well (even though Gregg is probably the only person who will read this), know that I like to spend time on myspace because otherwise I would be completely cut off from my old high school friends. As I start to surf the addicting internet, I find more and more people I used to know, and really should have spent more time with. I think I skipped a vital point in a high school-aged person's life- making friendships. THe only friends I have are ones who I play music with. I'm such a goal-oriented person, that I've skipped the development of friendships, and I think it has really diminished the way I will be able to handle relationships in the future.
All of this is coming to an end very soon, and honestly, it breaks my heart. No matter how much I have senioritus, and no matter how tired I am of being associated with high school, and even community college for that matter, I just can't seem to picture myself in Seattle or Greeley, CO by myself. I feel like there should be another year of high school, yes with all the drama and everything ahead of me. I feel like I'm ready because I've been preparing for it for the last 2 years, but I still am torn in two because I cannot justify that I've done the right thing, and made the right decision about the last 2 years of my schooling. I guess there's nothing I can do about it now- I just have to go with what I've done with myself. I guess I'm just sad because I'm leaving something that I've never had the chance to be a part of. I'm leaving something that everyone should experience, for better or for worse.
I'm not in the mood to conclude the rant, so I won't.

Here you go: first speech for speech 101: ignore the weirdness of sentences, etc. Also, the power point with Mr. Owl is missing... anyway:

    When I was first told to assign my life to some sort of metaphor I was completely lost. I had a few ideas of things and places that would explain my life in confusing ways, but none of them were satisfactory for me. Who should I ask? I asked the one person who might possibly know me better than I do- my mom. We both himmed and hawed for a while and came up with some ideas, when it finally came to a head. “A tootsie pop!” she said. “What?” I replied, in that typical teenage voice- then she explained it to me…

                My life is like a Tootsie Pop. How you ask? Well, first of all, and probably the most obvious answer I can give is that Tootsie Pops are beautiful and sweet- just like me. They come in a variety of flavors, and are quite possibly one of the greatest inventions in the history of man-kind… Just like me. I’m telling you, you all should give my mother props for giving birth to me- just like we all should be thankful for the creation of the Tootsie Pop. No, on a more serious note:

    My life really is like a Tootsie Pop for frankly a quite confusing reason. As Tony Robbins said, “People who fail to achieve their goals usually get stopped by frustration. They allow frustration to keep them from taking the necessary actions that would support them in achieving their desire. You get through this roadblock by plowing through frustration, taking each setback as feedback you can learn from, and pushing ahead. I doubt you'll find many successful people who have not experienced this. All successful people learn that success is buried on the other side of frustration.” Let us focus on the last part of this quote- “All successful people learn that success is buried on the other side of frustration.” Have you ever tried to eat a Tootsie Pop without getting impatient and biting the whole thing off the stick and chewing all of it? Let us read through the commercial we all so familiarly know-

    In this commercial, Mr. Owl cannot make it to the tootsie roll center without biting-

To bring this back to my life, once again let us analyze my quote, "All successful people learn that success is buried on the other side of frustration."

     I am a hard working student and aspiring jazz musician. Both of these things require a lot of focus and hard work. People I know tell me I'm the most goal-oriented individual they know. To me, each thing I achieve, or step I take that brings me closer to my goal of success, is, in a way, one lick of my tootsie pop I call life.

    Joining and being successful in the Running Start program is a lick of my tootsie pop- it is bringing me closer to my goal of higher education. Being accepted to the University of Northern Colorado is another lick. Being in the All City Jazz Ensemble and sitting first chair is another lick. Winning the solo/ensemble competition in Spokane was another lick. Being in 9 performing groups, including Milonga- Spokane's hottest latin band is another lick- Each lick I take brings me closer to my goal of success (or my "tootsie roll center"), whether it be success in education OR occupation.

    My life, however, is more complicated than the tootsie pop commercial. Mr. Owl makes it look very easy to bite into a tootsie pop. In my life- it is impossible to bite into my tootsie pop until the time is just right. Only when I have achieved and accomplished enough, will I truly call myself "successful". Only when I have taken enough licks of my tootsie pop, will I finally reach my tootsie roll center- and oh how sweet will it be.

TO RID MYSELF OF CLING!!!!!! (and to make my clothes smell good....)

I don't know if it's my independence screaming out loud- but once you break up with someone, aren't they supposed to give you a little space?!

Good god! The reason I broke up with this guy in the first place was to get some space, and to have more time for things like school, homework, practice, etc. But this kid is just as freakin' clingy as he was when we were "dating". Doesn't he get it?! How hard is it to understand that I don't want to/can't spend as much time with you as I could over winter vacation!!!!  Leave me alone! If I tell you I'm going to warm my car up, just leave it at that! Don't ask me why I'm warming it up, or who I'm going to go see after it's warmed up!! The relationship wasn't even a month long!! Get off my back and leave me the fuck alone! If I wanted to continue to be your friend, I think the chances are out  the door now because you're being a pain in my ass!!!!! ARRRGGh!!!

Yay for steam. Boo for repitition.

"As long as there is demovracy, there will be people wanting to play jazz because nothing else will ever so perfectly capture the democratic process in sound. Jazz means working things out with other people. You have to listen to other musicians and play with them even if you don't agree with what they're playing. It teaches you the very opposite of racism and anti-Semitism. It teaches you that the world is big enough to accommodate us all." -Wynton Marsalis

"Playing Bop is like playing scrabble with all the vowels missing." -Duke Ellington

Let me tell a story:

About a year ago, I was driving down a road that is one lane in each direction. When the road meets the arterial, it slopes into two lanes, allowing the right lane to be a right "turn-on-red" lane. After the arterial, the road turns back into one lane. Now, this has happened to me many times before- I come to the stop light, and am still in the left lane, seeing as I will be continuing to go straight. The car that has been riding my ass all the way up the street gets in the right lane, which is intended for turning from. NOT PASSING IN!!!!!!!! I knew this lady wasn't going to turn and I knew she was going to stomp on the gas as soon as the light turned green so she could get around me before the lanes merged again. Being the aggressive person I am, I decided to race her to the merge- forcing her to get behind me again. (insert cuss name here: "stupid bitch".) It was me, in my 95 Mercury tracer versus her nice 2004 grand am. Anyway, I didn't expect her to know my plan, so I still put my balls to the wall. The light turned green and we both floored it. My car sounded like it was going to explode and she was shocked to see my little white car speeding alongside of her nice car. I won. (insert physical commendment: "pat on back".) Of course, I decided to go 29 in the 30 mph area- just to make this lady learn a lesson. (at least I had hoped.) Anyway, we're driving along- (she's about 2 feet from my bumper) when I look in my rearview mirror and see this woman throwing her hands up in anger and yelling at the top of her lungs. Geez lady. Take a chill pill.

Let me tell another story:

Shortly after the last incident, I was driving on a larger street that had two lanes going in each direction. The speed limit is 45 the further north you are, then eventually tapers down to 30 when you get closer to the south side of town. I was with my friend, and I noticed that this guy in a beat up little car was seriously (I'm not making this up) about 1 foot from my bumper. (When you can't see the hood of the car behind you because they are so far up your ass- there might be a saftey issue.) I mentioned to my friend how much of an asshole the guy behind me was. Mostly out of sheer stupidity because I forgot what a screwed up world we live in, I threw the bird (aka: the finger) over my shoulder at the guy. Bad idea. Once again, I was graced with the image of a furious individual yelling at me and throwing a hissy. Great. This guy was even more serious than the last psyho person I encountered. He got on his cell phone, (keep in mind I'm driving at 40 mph and still watching all this going on behind me...) and was yelling on the phone. Ok- he's calling his wife and complaining. How wrong I was. Eventually, when we reached the 30 mph (I was still going 40 to avoid being hit from behind), we came to a red light. I stopped and the jerk swirved around me. Instead of proceeding up to the light, he stopped beside my car and rolled down his window. I instructed my passenger to lock her door and keep the window up. He yelled at me: "Stupid bitch, I just called the fuckin' cops on your ass!!", then drove off. Shit. I don't have insurance, so if I get pulled over for "wreckless driving" I'm screwed. Sure enough, as soon as we turn at the light, I see 4 cops speeding toward the area we were coming from. Holy shit. I continue to drive 5 under the speed limit all the way to my friend's house. After I dropped her off, I was kind of tramatized. This guy was so mad that I was going the speed limit and not speeding for his sake, that he called the police and had a hissy on them- THEN THEY TRIED TO CATCH ME!  Wow- people are crazy.

Initially, my point in this blog/story/tantrum was that people need to calm down. Look at the big picture. Take a deep breath and analyze yourself when you are angry. Is it really worth it? Anger is exhausting. It is bad for your family, yourself, and for the rest of the world. Patience is a virtue.      -Ok enough happy philosophical talk.

I just got home from work, and all the way up Division (one of the biggest arterials in Spokane), I was stuck behind semi trucks, buses, and really really really old people. I found myself uddering words that my grandmother wouldn't be proud of. I found myself speeding past people and cutting people off. In a couple of instances, I actually threw my hands up in.... well, frustration. The only thing I was rushing to get to was my apartment, my sax, and my computer. Yay. Big fucking deal.   I guess this tantrum is mostly an attempt to calm myself down and teach myself what I was once trying to teach the lady in my first story-  "Woah Bitch. Slow the fuck down."

PS: Upon arriving to my house, my parking spot was taken by someone who felt special enough to park in the assigned carport. Which just happened to be mine. Lucky me.